


13 Things I'd Never Say and the One Thing I Will

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, first fic in a long time, first person POV, modernau
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-18
Updated: 2014-09-18
Packaged: 2018-02-17 20:06:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2321693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It wasn't all that difficult to convince myself that taking the long route was nothing more than keeping up with my non-existent training regimen and not the beginning of a stalker-ish behavior. It was almost as if I made up entirely another side of the story and the rest of me was ignoring that it was a huge gaping lie."</p>
            </blockquote>





	13 Things I'd Never Say and the One Thing I Will

i.  
The first time I saw you at that corner cafe, I thought I knew you from somewhere. You had this uncanny vibe going on as you fixed that drink to go with Armin's cinnamon roll and somehow I was unable to tear my eyes away from you. Maybe it was how your dark hair swept just above your eyes or how that faint smile didn't last more than a few seconds on your lips, but there was something about you that told me 'I need to know your name. We have something to tell each other.'

Then I realized I may have stared a bit too much when my eyes caught yours for a moment and I had to blink twice before straightening up and forcing myself to turn away.

“You okay, Eren?” I was met by a mocking look on Jean's face as he opened the seat beside him for Armin, “You're turning red.”

All I could do was focus my attention outside, attempt to hide my face and will the embarassment to cease from heating up my cheeks. “-m fine.” But then I saw your reflection facing my direction and I slightly hated myself for thinking you might be looking at me. I may have let out some kind of funky squeak that earned a curse from someone like Armin, though I'm pretty sure that was just my heart jumping to my throat as I ran out of places to fix my eyes on.

 

 

ii.  
I always only had enough courage to pass by the cafe on my way to university or back to the apartment building. I never did so much as take the liberty to glance inside as I walked past, often holding onto my phone to text or call a hypothetical being and I was almost always left with a feeling of wanting to pull at my face and take a blind peek to where you might be and hope you won't notice how I was struggling to keep my heart in place.

Jogging from the cafe to the train station was more of an excuse to say I wasn't really lying when Armin questions how I leave the building way earlier yet they still had to wait for me at the station.

It wasn't all that difficult to convince myself that taking the long route was nothing more than keeping up with my non-existent training regimen and not the beginning of a stalker-ish behavior. It was almost as if I made up entirely another side of the story and the rest of me was ignoring that it was a huge gaping lie.

 

 

iii.  
Jean and Armin were not waiting for me at the station one day. As impossible as it was for me to make a mistake with the station, I checked for messages that they had went ahead but there were none. I turned around at the sound of my name and saw Armin smiling knowingly at me followed by Jean trying to supress a smirk from surfacing and failing.

“Hey.” was all I could mutter then I noticed the street where they came from -- _That's not_ \-- and the sight of Armin unable to stop himself from giggling behind Jean hit me pale. _Shit._ They knew about you.

 

 

iv.  
On my way to the hypermarket, my heart finally somersaulted out of place and into my hands a random Sunday morning when I saw you taking out the blackboard and propping it by the front steps of the cafe. Common sense thrown out the window and my body failing to squeeze any type of courage out, I found myself frozen solid twenty feet away from you with my back to the wall. I had to make a triple take to make sure I was breathing properly yet I was losing my breath even though I wasn't running.

There was this sudden rush of elation at the sight of you in your barista uniform, kneeling on one knee as you wrote today's specials. I was careful not to move so much, I kind of wished to merge with the wall or you just might see me melting into a puddle of goo and I really don't want to hear that squeak I made before when I thought you were looking. I had this wierd sense of fufillment as if watching your back from a distance was everything I wanted to get from all my awkward moments since that day. I was trying hard to calm myself down.

There was this gloating gap inside me where my heart should have been but it seemed as if I lost hold of it and my heart rolled off somewhere. And when I finally regained my breathing you weren't there anymore. I walked past the cafe for the nth time but not without taking a glance at that board -- Triple Cheese Strawberry Crepe and Irish Macchiato.

I never thought signages could be so gorgeous.

 

 

v.  
After some time, I was able to muster enough bravery to take quick glances inside the cafe and see if you were there. I would still pretend to be on the phone somehow so I had an excuse but that failed quite a few times when my phone rings while pressed against my ear. You were there twice when that happened but I told myself you were too busy to notice what had happened.

There were days I would lose my ground and pull back to reality, realizing I was standing outside, admiring you from the other side of the window as you fixed those drinks. One time I slapped myself too hard but then I'd always run as fast as I could until my pulse drowns.

In the mornings, I would usually see you noting down what I assume is the shop's inventory or exchanging a few words with your colleague with the framed glasses. Not once did I see you there in the afternoons on my way back or on Sundays -- except for that one time when you made me realize I might be in love with you.

 

 

vi.  
Since I knew it was you who wrote on the blackboard, it became part of my routine to admire your beautiful handwriting and food doodles (aside from Sundays since you weren't there and the blackboard is a mess of colored chalk -- it was the work of your glasses co-worker, I saw them doing it once). And I'm not sure when it started, but I noticed there were other drawings aside from what the day's special offer was. The first one I saw was a cupcake with a merman perched on top. Then there was some kind of bird that looked like it had a Speedo on. That was so wierd.

 

 

vii.  
It was a Sunday and Jean says Marco is in town to visit us. Armin had cut my shower short saying we're going to be late so I offered to just follow after them. It was a Sunday, but when Armin adds where the meeting place was, I quickly blow-dried my hair and dressed up even if I knew you won't be there.

I didn't really care what Jean and Armin were talking about on the way. I was busy stopping myself from getting my hopes up that today could be another exception, that you might be there after all, and that I won't see the chaotic writing on the board today. And my hopes were slapped square on my face when that mess of a board welcomed us. There was no merman on a cupcake or a Speedo donning bird.

 

 

viii.  
It was quarter past two in the afternoon and Marco still had an arm around Armin, now asking how Armin finds being a part-time tutor was, completely ignoring Jean's comments that he too has the same job and for Marco to stop mooning all over Armin.

Seeing them, I thought maybe I could visit Mikasa and our parents since I only had afternoon classes the next day. I excused myself, making my way to the counter after sending Mikasa a message. It was your glasses colleague manning the cashier and I really hoped it had been you. But then again I still wasn't sure I could take that.

He -- She (I couldn't place a finger on it) -- smiled at me as I got to the counter, then of course you chose this moment to enter while fixing your tie, telling them to bring out the tarts, you're taking over.

I froze right there and then. My head's all blank aside from the image of you dusting off your apron. You looked me straight in the eye and "Hi," you said. I couldn't find my voice, to be honest, and I stopped myself from waving hello instead. I really hoped I was not ogling at you. But now I'm sure it was you I lost my heart to.

 

 

ix.  
I wasn't really aware how I survived that moment. Next thing I knew, I was walking back to the table with a box of cake and pulling my cap lower. I did not dare look back at you as much as I wanted to.

 

 

x.  
Dad got called off to work after dinner. Mom was doing the dishes and Mikasa was returning the remaining cake inside the box. "Eren," she was holding some kind of note and seemed perplexed as she read the contents, "Is this yours?" I didn't know what she was on about until I read it myself.

It was a little scary for me to think I might have known you from the start, but that too was thrown out the window along with my shame. I read the note again with my back to the door of my room.

_i'll have coffee waiting for you so wish i you would go in to say hi sometimes and not just stand outside - Levi_

There's no merman on a cupcake. No funky bird in a Speedo. There's just a pair of wings in the middle of it all and I might have just heard my soul get flushed down the toilet.

I wasn't able to sleep a wink.

 

 

xi.  
I was in some sort of daze the morning after. I had read that note ten times over because maybe it was not real. It was pretty straightforward but -- Why? Was this even you? Did I say anything out of the ordinary yesterday in my moment of shock? I realized this person probably had seen through my moments at the store front. Did you think I was a creep? Though I guess you won't tell me to say hi if you thought I was.

It just won't leave my thoughts even as I boarded the train to the university. What was I supposed to do with it? People always told me I was a late bloomer. I don't know. I couldn't even bring myself to talk you as much as I felt the need to.

I felt that note in my pocket.

_Levi._

 

 

xii.  
It was some time after eight in the evening and neither Armin nor Jean were answering their phones. The rain started to pour a minute after I stepped out of the station and I really wanted to get back to the apartment as soon as possible. I found myself a little drenched from running to the bus stop then tried to call our landlady once I found a spot in the waiting shed.

"Ah. Petra-san, are Armin and Jean back?"  
"Yeah. Armin just got in. Hold on let me get him."

Our unit was on the third floor, I just had to wait and I can have them come and get me from here. There were quite a few people running around with their bags above their heads or trotting for some shed. No one really knew it was going to rain that night and it didn't look like it was going to stop soon.The wind was too cold so I wasn't all that surprised to hear the person beside me sneezing.

No one's back on the line yet. I fixed the straps of my backpack and bent down to pick out a few leaves that stuck on my shoes. The bus had arrived and the sneezes beside me made their way to board the bus. "Come on Armin." And then the line went dead. "What?!" I stared at my phone wide-eyed. It just died on me. I should have just told Petra-san what I needed.

I shoved my phone into my pocket as I stood up and glanced across the street. A fifteen-minute run with a chance of slipping, hurting, and breaking my back -- no other choice.

I was getting ready to sprint into the rain when you suddenly blocked my vision, your hair windstrucked and a hand reaching out to me. "You can use my spare." It was then I noticed the second umbrella you had. I wasn't sure if I said my thanks loud enough for you to hear, but I don't think I could ever tell you how many times you had effortlessly taken my breath away.

 

 

xiv.  
I was too aware of your presence that I just didn't know what to do or say. You still had that strangely cold demeanor yet it was making me feel warm and light-headed that I'm supressing a smile on my face. I remembered how you were able to draw me into thinking we had something to say to each other and I was back to that moment when I first saw you.

"Um." I was trying to choose the words to say, find the courage to speak and I realized I was holding my breath, this really isn't good for my heart.

"Do you want to get that coffee now?" I honestly heard you when you said that. It just really took me a few moments to take it in and I felt my heart in my throat because you had just confirmed my confusions. I didn't know what kind of face I had as you looked back at me. Though I knew I must be that easy to read when your eyes didn't even waver and I had to look away or I would be a larger mess inside.

"Y-yeah."

 

 

xiv.  
It may be a little far-fetched to say I am in love with you, though I think you know. I hope you know. I want you to know and I will. But not just yet.

**Author's Note:**

> Idk if anyone saw that tag but yeah, this is me attempting to get back to fanfiction writing since my immense writer's block from two years ago. :3 
> 
> I think I need to work harder to give the characters justice. ^^


End file.
